The Bad Boys Club
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: What happens when the boys of Testicular Sound Express and KG decide to make a parody of the infamous reality show The Bad Girls Club? An absolute laugh riot. But you have to read to find out. Guest-starring Werner Herzog and Tanisha Thomas from Season 2 of BGC.


_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Bad Girls (Original)" by Tokyo Diiva (this episode only)

SEASON 2

EPISODE 9

Airdate: December 1, 2013

Title: The Bad Boys Club

Segway Segment: RoundTable ("How do you feel about the death of Brian on _Family Guy?_")

Satire/Social Commentary: Decline of quality in _The Bad Girls Club, _impact the show has had on American culture, embracing of BGC in urban communities, belief that an all-male version of the show will never work, stereotypes of African-Americans in entertainment and everyday life

Special Guest Stars: Werner Herzog as BBC Voiceover Guy/Narrator, Jonathan Murray as Himself, Troy Vanderheyden as Himself, Tanisha Thomas as Herself

A shout-out to my friend and only true fan PlatinumDork, who set the wheels in motion to make this episode happen.

SCENE 1

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Jaylynn is watching _The Bad Girls Club _on a Tuesday afternoon.

SPARKY: Hey Jaylynn, what are you watching?

JAYLYNN: _The Bad Girls Club._ This show is so trashy and uninteresting but it's appealing in a Trash TV sort of way.

SPARKY: I hear you. They threw that show to the dogs.

JAYLYNN: Really? I thought you loved _The Bad Girls Club._

SPARKY: I did. Then Season 5 happened.

JAYLYNN: Oh.

SPARKY: The All-Star season wasn't half-bad. But I only saw the last few episodes.

JAYLYNN: So you're telling me this show used to be quality television?

SPARKY: Yeah, but the bad seasons outnumber the good ones. Back then, it was all about the girls wanting to change. Now it's all about the girls wanting to be the baddest bitch in the house. You know, if I had my own _Bad Girls Club, _I would put this one to shame.

JAYLYNN: Well, maybe that's something to think about, Sparky.

SPARKY: Really?

JAYLYNN: Yeah. You and the guys could do your own parody of BGC and show 'em how it should be done.

SPARKY: Hey, that's not a bad idea.

SCENE 2

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

(Buster is sorting out his locker and things before first period)

SPARKY: So, what do you think about it?

BUSTER: _The Bad Boys Club? _I think that's the worst idea you've come up with since that _America's Next Top Model _parody.

OCTOBER 2009

We flashback to when Sparky had Buster, RK, Wade, and KG parody the opening sequence of _America's Next Top Model _in his house. However, he's not satisfied with the results and stops the music.

BUSTER: Sparky, come on, man.

RK: We've been doing this for two hours straight, you asshole.

SPARKY: Sorry, it's just not sexy enough.

WADE: It IS sexy enough. I'm the sexiest model here.

KG: Wade, you know I'm sexier than you.

WADE: OK, let's have a sexy contest.

KG: I would pummel you in a sexy contest.

SPARKY: Guys, from the top. And action.

(to KG) WADE: You need to understand you're not half as sexy as me.

KG: You have no stage presence!

Back to reality.

SPARKY: Well, it's a good thing I didn't put that on YouTube. You guys weren't sexy at all. Plus, I stopped watching that show the same year The Nexus debuted in WWE.

BUSTER: Sparky, you HATE _The Bad Girls Club _now. Why parody it?

SPARKY: To show the guys at Oxygen how it's done. We're going to play the roles of guys who are perceived as "bad sumbitches" by our friends. We hire some guys to help with the production editing stuff and then post a weekly episode on YouTube. Then over the course of a month, we live together and despite every fight and confrontation, we change our ways in the end. Finally, we submit it to Oxygen and see what they think.

BUSTER: How do you know Oxygen is going to accept it?

SPARKY: Believe me, once they see how well-done _The Bad Boys Club _is, they're going to be on board. I just can't stand how a show I used to love is now just mind-numbing garbage. Someone has to rein in these girls. And that someone is us.

BUSTER: So, you want me to lower myself by being a part of something I don't want to be a part of just so you can prove a point?

SPARKY: That's the really negative way of putting it, yes.

(Buster hits Sparky in the head with a sock full of coins)

SPARKY: OWWWWW!

(imitating Homey D. Clown) BUSTER: I don't THINK so. Buster don't play that.

(long pause)

(confused) SPARKY: Where did you get the sock of coins from?

SCENE 3

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

SPARKY: Gentlemen, I want to thank you all for coming today. We start shooting the first episode in two days so time is no luxury. We have to be ready and make sure we know what we're getting ourselves into.

(The camera pans on the rest of Testicular Sound Express, minus Jaylynn, and KG)

BUSTER: Damn, you're REALLY persuasive.

SPARKY: Now, I think Wade has some words that everybody has to listen to.

WADE: OK, I need everybody to pay close attention. _The Bad Boys Club _is not going to be shot here in Seattle.

RK: Then where are we shooting it?

WADE: Brooklyn.

(groaning)

WADE: Look, I already spoke to Sparky about it and we both agreed it makes good business sense for the show. Look at what we're dealing with here. _The Bad Girls Club _has a large appeal in urban communities so our parody needs an urban feel. There's this very nice brownstone I booked that was converted to look just like _The Bad Girls Club _mansion.

KG: OK, where in Brooklyn?

WADE: Canarsie.

(even louder groaning)

BUSTER: Damn you. DAMN YOU!

WADE: Canarsie has everything we're looking for. We're trying to be as raw and unique as possible. Besides, would you want _The Bad Boys Club _to be in Brownsville?

(long pause; everybody knows Wade has a point)

WADE: Yeah, you know I have a point. Now shut up.

RK: This seems pretty exciting to me.

BUSTER: I feel like we're on a rocketship to Hell.

("I'm Bad" by LL Cool J opens up the show)

VOICEOVER: Welcome to _The Bad Boys Club. _Five guys from the Seattle area come to Brooklyn looking for fun, and to change their ways. In the neighborhood of Canarsie to be exact.

(Sparky walks into the house first with his bags)

(to the camera in the private room) SPARKY: My name is Sparky MacDougal, originated from Seattle, Washington. And I'm not going to mince words here. I'm not lying when I say that...I'm a pretty bad sumbitch.

VOICEOVER: Sparky has been known to get into several confrontations in Seattle. In one scenario, he assaulted a kid for taking his candy bar. (Bleep) stupid, I know.

The video of Sparky assaulting the kid was put on YouTube, with standard YouTube ghetto fight quality.

SPARKY: What are you doing?

FIDEL: Taking your Butterfinger. I haven't had food all day.

SPARKY: No, you little punk-ass, don't take my shit, alright? POP OFF!

(Sparky beats up Fidel while people cheer and record it)

(having taken back his Butterfinger) SPARKY: Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger.

(to camera) JAYLYNN: I sent Sparky to Canarsie because I believe he's a brat out of Hell and I believe that he needs to get taught a lesson.

VOICEOVER: That sounds like something Sparky's mother would say. And I'm 100% sure...that you're not his mother. Are you his girlfriend?

JAYLYNN: Ewwwwww, no. I've never dated a guy before and Sparky's definitely not going to be the first one. Besides, even if I wanted to, I couldn't. He's dating a girl named Halley.

VOICEOVER: Are you implying that you're lesbian?

JAYLYNN: NO! Why, have people been talking?

(Buster walks into the house)

(to camera) BUSTER: I'm Buster, also from Seattle. And I'm badder than bad. I have no friends, alright? My own condo is afraid of me. My cat's afraid of me. He knows when I look at him, he better step back before I break his face wide open.

VOICEOVER: Buster is referred to by his friends as the Forrest Gump of their group. A Billy Madison if you will. However, it's his stupidity that makes him even more dangerous.

CHANCE: Well, he knows what time it is. I'm scared, the whole world is scared. Niggas ain't frontin' when Buster step in the place, man. They be on his jock asking for autographs and shit, man.

VOICEOVER: Do you even know who you're talking about?

CHANCE: Yeah, my nigga, I was just talking about Buster. Are you stupid? Like, are you STUPID?

VOICEOVER: I don't believe you know Buster. I think you have an ulterior motive for being here that you're not explaining to me.

CHANCE: OK, fine. Just because my mom told me to get a job, doesn't mean I have an ulterior motive.

VOICEOVER: It does mean that. You don't know Buster at all and you're only on this show for your own personal gain.

CHANCE: Well, it's not my fault my mom can't pay the bills! Using up all the food stamps and shit. Shoo.

(RK walks into the house)

(to camera) RK: What up, sumbitches? My name is Ryan Kennedy Jennings, but call me RK. Now, I run Canarsie. OK? I RUN CANARSIE! And nobody can tell me otherwise. NOBODY.

VOICEOVER: If there was ever an award for most obnoxious, self-centered, bizarre, irritating sumbitch, RK would be the odds-on favorite. In his own mind. Although he's much calmer than one would think, RK is actually the loudmouth amongst his friends and an outspoken badass.

ASHLEY: "RK is one bad sumbitch. He taps my ass every night. God, I love it when he gets rough. He treats me like a slave and I can't resist his sexy Caucasian skin. He doesn't call me Ashley. He calls me Christine and I play along because of the monster that he is at night."

VOICEOVER: May I ask you something?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

VOICEOVER: Why are you doing what RK told you to do?

ASHLEY: I'm not.

VOICEOVER: You're not convincing me in the slightest. I'm 100% sure he wrote all of that down on a piece of paper for you to read. You look way more sophisticated than the average fourth-grade girl, and you should have way more respect for yourself than that.

ASHLEY: Well, he needed my help. And I lost a bet to my best friend Sanna so I have to do this.

VOICEOVER: I feel sorry for you. And you also need to understand that RK may harbor a deep-seeded sexual attraction for you, and that piece of paper was a way of venting his desires. It's OK to feel concerned.

(Ashley stares at the camera blankly)

(Wade walks into the house)

(to camera) WADE: I'm a bad mother(bleep) that needs to change, that's it. I'm down for change. Some niggas got knocked because I knocked them, that's it. I'm king of the hood where I'm from but I don't need to be. I'm a smart nigga with smart nigga things to say.

VOICEOVER: Wade is the smartest kid amongst his peers. He is the go-to gadget guy, and has an intelligence unheard of for an eight-year-old. However, amongst girls, he's a bigger failure than Alex Rodriguez in his everyday life.

(to camera) WILL: Wade had my money. Little trifling ass thought I wouldn't catch on but I DID catch on. So I shanked that sucka up his square behind and took my money back by force. That's how I roll. You know, because I'm down like Tay.

VOICEOVER: I have three things to say in response to that. First of all, you're not supposed to be talking about yourself. You're supposed to be speaking of Wade, and why you think he makes a good fit for the house. Second of all, you're not a tough guy. And third of all, what is this "down like Tay" stuff?

WILL: Tay? Tay from _Lincoln Heights_? There was an episode where he tried to be down and be cool. He didn't understand what down was.

VOICEOVER: I've never even heard of _Lincoln Heights_. And I'm not going to make a single effort to watch it. Second of all, Tay TRIED to be down. Which means you're just as desperate in your attempt to be as down as he was, if not more so.

WILL: Wow, you're just a judgmental old man, aren't you?

VOICEOVER: Not at all. People are just that transparent by nature so I feel the need to comment on such things.

WILL: Stick to your day job.

VOICEOVER: And you stop trying to be something you're not.

(KG walks into the house)

KG: I've been in physically demanding fights over my 13 years of life. I'm a hardass mother(bleep) that nobody wants to play around with. These little boys are puppets in my hands.

VOICEOVER: Not much is known about KG. He is the older brother of RK, and an amateur guitarist. However, it is likely that he has physically abused his brother in the past. Although those claims have been swirled around, nothing has been proven as of yet.

KG: You see, they fired me from the movie, but they did it in a roundabout punk snitch way, so I caught 'em on the street and beat they behinds. And you KNOW they not gonna respond any time soon so there.

VOICEOVER: I find it odd how you're representing yourself. I also find it odd how you did the same thing the late rapper Tupac Shakur did.

KG: I didn't. It was a humorous anecdote.

VOICEOVER: I know, it was sarcasm. And it doesn't matter if I knew Tupac or not. I still wouldn't have found what you said funny.

KG: Well, I'm still a bad sumbitch.

VOICEOVER: We'll see. (camera pans to the Seaview Plaza located right outside the brownstone, which contains a Rite Aid and Little Caesars among other stores) Even though I don't have a huge role in this show, I can't help but feel like I have my work cut out for me. This doesn't seem like the smartest move at this stage to agree to be a part of such a potentially chaotic environment, but the pay is just right.

SCENE 4

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

WADE: These are some terrific numbers. 423,264 views in three days, and more than 20,000 likes.

RK: What about dislikes?

WADE: About 2,000.

RK: Cool, we're going to be famous!

BUSTER: Again?

SPARKY: Yes, Buster, again.

BUSTER: Dear science.

JAYLYNN: Again? When were you...oh, right, the Heely Shoes.

SPARKY: Those were good times. Wade, nice touch getting Werner Herzog for the voiceover.

WADE: Yeah, I feel like witty humor was what we needed from our voiceover guy.

BUSTER: I don't like him. In fact, I don't like anything about the show. I wish Sparky wasn't so damn persuasive.

SPARKY: Buster, it's satire. We have to help people see that _The Bad Girls Club _is a parody of itself. And perpetuating certain stereotypes that the show's new creative direction embodies is the best way to do it.

(Buster and Jaylynn confusingly stare at Sparky)

SPARKY: We have to ACT stupid in order to get attention FROM the stupid.

BUSTER AND JAYLYNN: Ohhhhhhhh.

WADE: Idiots.

RK: What did Sparky persuade you with, Rarity?

(Everybody stares at RK)

RK: Come on. Am I really the only person that thinks Rarity is the sexiest character on _My Little Pony?_

JAYLYNN: Obviously. Everybody knows it's Rainbow Dash.

(long pause)

BUSTER: He promised me a stick. See.

(Buster holds up his stick)

WADE: You have to be (bleep)ing with me. Your mind is so feeble that you were persuaded by a freaking stick?!

(imitating Michael Caloz) BUSTER: A stick from the park where you PROMISED TO TAKE ME TODAY!

(long pause)

SPARKY: We all need help.

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Yeah.

ASHLEY: RK, we need to talk. NOW.

(Clip taken from the _SpongeBob SquarePants_ episode "Krab Borg") SPONGEBOB: I SURRENDER! Oh.

(worried) RK: You want to talk, my little angel? (RK slaps himself) I mean, what do you want to talk about?

ASHLEY: Do you have a serious crush on me?

RK: No. You're paranoid.

ASHLEY: But you told me to read all that nasty stuff on the show. And it's all over YouTube for crying out loud!

RK: Ashley, if you have feelings for me, just say so.

(long pause)

ASHLEY: What?!

RK: I mean, why else would you be so willing to do that for me? Obviously, you want me to see you as girlfriend material. But sorry, baby cakes. Ryan Kennedy Jennings is pure. Ryan Kennedy Jennings is chased. Never been sullied. I don't just fall for girls. They fall for me. You want to dance with Gene Kelly, don't expect me to give it all the way up front. I make you work for it.

ASHLEY: You're such a weirdo.

(Ashley storms off)

SPARKY: RK, I really think you should be careful with Ashley. You might end up losing a really good friend and a potential girlfriend if you keep it up.

RK: Relax, man, I've got it all under control. Now, did Ashley rock those jeans and boots or what? I swear, that fox makes Sanna look outdated.

JAYLYNN: Remind me never to doubt you, buddy.

("I'm Bad" by LL Cool J playing)

VOICEOVER: Welcome to the second episode of _The Bad Boys Club. _Tonight, the boys get their first taste of club life when they head down to the Brooklyn Public Library, which has been working overtime for Saturday night fun. We see the guys getting dressed in their best clothes, ready to go clubbing nerd-style.

(RK comes down wearing a nice white button-down shirt)

WADE: Dude, didn't you change already?

RK: Yeah, but that was the shirt before the shirt.

WADE: Got you. This is the cologne before the cologne.

BUSTER: Why put on another cologne?

WADE: Why use logic and reason? This is a reality show, Buster. Get with the program.

(to the camera) BUSTER: I don't feel like I fit in here. This is a bunch of garbage and it's time-consuming.

VOICEOVER: Buster, you agreed to a contract because of a stick. And you do realize that you're not in the private room. RK and Wade heard everything you just said.

(RK and Wade angrily stare at Buster)

BUSTER: Boy, I'm stupid.

VOICEOVER: Meanwhile, trouble appears to be brewing between Sparky and KG. They weren't too fond of each other last week. I noticed, so that's why I'm reporting it.

KG: Hey, Sparky, you need to stop inviting people over.

SPARKY: What are you talking about?

KG: I almost couldn't sleep last week because you and your stupid groupies were partying all night long.

SPARKY: Well, that's you. I have a life to live and you should do the same.

(to the camera, privately) KG: I don't understand why Sparky feels the need to test me. I just gave him a warming. Next time, he's getting smacked.

VOICEOVER: I think you said "warming," not "warning" as I believe you were going to say.

KG: Well, it's YouTube, everything's raw here.

The boys are now at the library, which has been converted into an adult club.

VOICEOVER: The boys are enjoying their time at the library. It seems like the party animal has awoken Buster.

(Buster has his shirt off and is doing the Samantha Micelli)

(private) BUSTER: I definitely feel calmer now. Everything is a lot more fun and I think I've finally decided to accept what I got myself into.

VOICEOVER: RK is raiding the snack table like a monster and requesting songs. Wade is reading books, and KG has hit it off well with an age-appropriate dime.

(privately) KG: She was smoking hot. No doubt about it.

SPARKY: I'm going to take KG's girl.

BUSTER: What?

SPARKY: I'm going to take KG's girl. I'm going to show him up with Mr. Party.

BUSTER: Do you, man. Do you.

(privately) SPARKY: KG thinks he can put limits on my fun and talk down to me. I never liked KG. The minute he walked into the house, I couldn't stand him. Now it's time to show him what for.

KG: Hey, what are you doing?

SPARKY: Hold on a minute, this girl needs attention. Hey babe, what's up?

KG: Dude, go the (bleep) away.

SPARKY: Shut up, asswipe.

(private) KG: Sparky is driving me insane right now. He comes to take my girl like a sumbitch snake, and then thinks it's cool to mouth off. OK, we'll see what happens when I put the little punk ass in the ER.

KG: Dude, go away! NOW!

(KG throws Sparky on the floor)

SPARKY: YOU WANT TO POP OFF, BITCH?! POP OFF, BITCH! POP OFF! POP OFF!

KG: Go away, jackass.

(Sparky throws a glass of grape juice on KG's shirt)

KG: YOU'RE (BLEEP) DEAD!

(Sparky and KG start beating each other while security and BBC personnel try to intervene. At one point, KG spears Sparky through the bathroom door and constantly tosses water in his face.)

KG: You're a tough guy now, huh? You're a tough guy now?

(Sparky kicks KG low and throws him headfirst into the toilet; he then gives him a swirlie)

(private) SPARKY: I gave that little punk a swirlie. And it felt good, I should've dumped his whole ass in the toilet bowl.

(When BBC executive producer Troy Vanderheyden tries to stop the fighting, he gets viciously elbowed by KG. Eventually, the production team wrangles up all the kids and takes them back to the brownstone.)

VOICEOVER: On one hand, it's sad to see housemates go at it quite viciously. But I must admit, I was LMFAO'ing the whole time.

(The scene freezes on Sparky chasing after a screaming KG)

SEGWAY SEGMENT

ASHLEY: Hi, I'm Ashley Rodriguez and this is RoundTable.

RK: Oh God, she's drop dead sexy.

ASHLEY: RK, did you say something?

RK: Huh? No, I'm crazy. Crazy for somebody. (imitating Homer Simpson) D'oh!

ASHLEY: Moving on now. This marks the very first RoundTable in which every member of Testicular Sound Express is participating. And what a topic. The question is, "How do you feel about the death of Brian on _Family Guy_?" Sparky, you have the floor first.

SPARKY: Thank you, Ash-Rod. I hated it. I thought it was the most disgusting thing _Family Guy _has ever done. Not the puking from the ipecac. Not Chris and Meg damn near having sex. Not Stewie shooting Brian in both his legs and lighting him on fire. No, this is the straw that broke the camel's back. How do you kill off one of the best characters on the show? Seth MacFarlane can go to Hell for letting this happen, Alex Carter for writing it, and Steve Callaghan for his idiot interview about it. _Family Guy _will never recover from this. They're flipping off all of their fans by killing off Brian.

BUSTER: Everything about Brian's death was done wrong. It had nothing to do with what happened when the episode started, and I've noticed that the more recent _Family Guy _seasons have been doing this. Then, a car that doesn't bother to stop runs Brian over and he dies from that? You're talking about a dog that's been assaulted on several occasions, run over, shot, busted open with a chair, and he now dies from a car running him over. At least the funeral helped make the death more emotional and powerful. Then they replace him with a stereotypical Italian dog that's totally lame. _Family Guy _has officially jumped the shark with killing off Brian. There's literally no benefit from any of this.

RK: From the minute Brian's heart monitor stopped, I was in tears. It felt like the nightmare from Hell. Everything was so disturbing to me. The way he died, his final moments, the funeral. I was too distraught to even pay attention to the jokes. But I honestly don't feel like Brian is really dead. I mean, Seth is a smart guy. He knows that the show won't last for much longer if Brian doesn't come back. In fact, the last time I checked, he said something about the show running too long anyway. So, I feel like this was a genius move by _Family Guy. _The fans now want to know what happens next. They're on their feet waiting for the payoff. And that will spike ratings. Even though this is just for publicity, it's genius publicity.

WADE: At first, I expected Brian to come back before the episode ended, but when I realized he wasn't, I was dumbfounded. Then I realized that he's not dead for good. I honestly didn't believe anything Steve Callaghan said in that interview about killing off Brian because we all know that this is the moment that will impact the show negatively. I don't understand why Brian died anyway. It's not like _Family Guy _has a good reputation to begin with. And at the same time, bringing him back is predictable and kind of a troll move.

JAYLYNN: I agree. They backed themselves into a corner with this decision. If they don't bring Brian back, it will result in the ratings plummeting and the fans turning on the show. But if they do bring him back, people will just think it was for hype and won't watch _Family Guy. _If they really wanted someone dead, it should've been Meg. I mean, does anyone really care about her at this point?

WADE: I think killing off Meg would've been too easy. And in that crossover with _The Cleveland Show _and _American Dad!, _they explained how Meg is the lightning rod that absorbs the family's dysfunction. As long as she takes the heat and feels bad about herself, they don't have to. I think it should've been Chris. There's no point in him being there and the episodes that focus on him aren't that interesting anyway.

BUSTER: Honestly, I don't care if it's a ratings move or not. I just want Brian back.

SPARKY: Me too. The best part about Brian is that he could work with any character and make them look good. He has versatility. And the episodes he has with Stewie are dynamite every time. You take that element away and what do you have left? That's like _The Simpsons _without Homer. If he dies, the show dies.

RK: I have to say, I really like Vinny.

WADE: Me too. The only thing is, he's Brian's replacement so people automatically have made up their minds on him. But Tony Sirico is great as Vinny.

JAYLYNN: I love Vinny. If I was in charge, I would have him AND Brian.

SPARKY: Vinny's just a lame stereotype to me.

BUSTER: He's OK. But I don't care about him that much.

SPARKY: Yeah.

ASHLEY: We'll be back in two weeks with more RoundTable. Hopefully.

SCENE 5

The Bad Boys Club Brownstone

Interior Living Room

Canarsie, Brooklyn, New York

VOICEOVER: We return to _The Bad Boys Club. _Sparky and KG are in serious trouble for what went down at the library. Jonathan Murray is an executive producer and co-creator of _The Bad Girls Club. _Troy Vanderheyden is also a BGC executive producer. They have both been hired to help keep _The Bad Boys Club _grounded. However, they might have bitten off more than they can chew.

JONATHAN: What happened tonight is unacceptable, under any circumstances. You both showed terrible conduct tonight in a public setting. And to make matters worse, one of our own was attacked.

(Camera pans to an upset Troy)

(private) SPARKY: I feel terrible about what happened, because the last thing I wanted was for one of our personnel to get touched. But KG should understand that he had it coming. When a sumbitch wants to cross me, a sumbitch gets hurt.

JONATHAN: You both should know that when something like this happens, you get taken off the show. I'm strongly considering taking out both of you unless you can prove your worth and stay out of trouble.

TROY: We shouldn't even be giving you guys a second chance. But the show might suffer without you two, and Sparky, I know how badly you want to stay in this house. You two are just barely getting by for one time. But the next altercation that involves either one of you will be the one that sends you back to Seattle.

(camera pans on KG)

(private) KG: I really feel like Sparky is the cause of all this. He wants to keep testing my nerves and making me want to smack him like no one ever has before. I have to keep this little punk bitch in line before he does more damage.

(camera pans on Jonathan)

(private) JONATHAN: We made the rules pretty simple. The guys are here to change. And if they don't want to stay in this house and act mature, they're getting sent home.

(camera pans on the outside of the house)

KG: Hey, RK.

RK: Yeah.

KG: I think you and me need to stick together. Try and get Sparky out of the house.

RK: Why?

KG: He's only going to hurt everybody if he stays here. And if we watch each other's back, we won't have to worry about getting eliminated.

(private) KG: At this point in the game, I feel like Sparky is just going to negatively affect all the guys in the house and that will lead to one of us getting kicked out. So, to combat that, I need an alliance.

VOICEOVER: I don't feel like you're being sincere. In my mind, you're trying to save yourself from being replaced and you'll eventually turn on everyone else in the house.

(long pause)

KG: Shut the (bleep) up, Werner.

VOICEOVER: In no time at all, _The Bad Boys Club _was becoming a global phenomenon. It was overtaking _The Bad Girls Club _in popularity, and was redefining the original show's formula. Almost. You see, because of the urban ghetto underground feel of the show, it had a niche market. In this case, urban markets. _The Bad Girls Club _was known to the mainstream media, unlike _The Bad Boys Club. _However, among minorities, the BBC was preferred. 97% of African-American teens in America admitted to watching the BBC, as opposed to the 63% watching the BGC. _The Bad Boys Club _was an instant hit in junior high and high schools all over New York. Sparky, Buster, RK, Wade, and KG were bona fide celebrities. However, there were some that were disgusted by the new show.

BILL COSBY: I don't think _The Bad Boys Club _is a good influence on our children. All the violence and the cussing and the flagrant disregard for authority...a little kid elbowed an old man in his chest, nearly sent him to the hospital. I don't know what happened to society. You have five confused, angry, foul-mouthed children doing this stuff for everyone to see. It's a crying shame when kids imitate all the negative stuff on TV. Back in my day, we played instruments in the junkyard and bubble gum cost a dime and we learned about pudding pops being better than sweet potato pops on the zibble-zabble. My dad bought me a used bike from the dump that had one wheel. And I broke my neck so many times I can't even remember when I broke my neck. But that's what my gibhissle and gibhossle grew up with, buck-buck.

REV. AL SHARPTON: Tonight on _PoliticsNation, _we look at how YouTube is negatively affecting our children. The wildly successful Internet series _The Bad Boys Club _parodies _The Bad Girls Club _and it is shocking as it is vulgar. When you have elementary school-aged children acting like spoiled, self-righteous drunks, it brings America to its knees.

DJ VLAD: So, how do you feel about _The Bad Boys Club?_

CHARLAMAGNE: It's garbage. Straight-up garbage. Like, this is what America is giving us? A _Bad Girls Club _parody with a bunch of kids acting like niggas? Dude, these kids should be out playing and having fun. Not dancing at nightclubs and forming alliances and fighting. And I can't take it seriously. It's lame, it's not funny at all. Four wholesome white kids acting like ghetto trash. And then the black kid, who can't convince me in the slightest he's a ghetto nigga. Like, this is what I said before. Everything has been done. We're in a repeat and everybody wants to recreate instead of create. And I don't think these kids even understand what people say about them.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: We're a nation that thrives on freedom of speech, liberty, and justice for all. But when five little kids start swearing and fighting for millions to see on YouTube, all of that gets thrown out the window. We can't behave like this. As Americans, we haven't grown up. _The Bad Boys Club _is a textbook example of that fact.

VOICEOVER: I tried tracking down the Internet sensation known as Cimorelli, to get their thoughts. (talking to Cimorelli) So, how do you feel about your contemporaries on YouTube, better known as _The Bad Boys Club? _I don't think you guys are too familiar because you're clearly just a bunch of white girls outside the target audience.

(long pause)

LISA: We're YouTube celebrities, too. We would know. And that's a really offensive statement. I've never seen it and I don't want to. It's pretty twisted.

CHRISTINA: It's a sad day when these kids have negative influences on television and apply those same influences to their own lives.

KATHERINE: It's sick. Absolutely sick how children are being exploited like that.

AMY: It's a bad parody, honestly. It's a really bad parody.

LAUREN: I don't feel like commenting. If I had thoughts, I would share them with you.

DANI: Hey guys?

(The girls hold their noses and say "Whoa!")

CHRISTINA: Dani, puberty has not been kind to you.

KATHERINE: Guys, I noticed that guy sounds a lot like Werner Herzog.

VOICEOVER: That's because I AM Werner Herzog.

LAUREN: Who's that?

(The girls groan)

LISA: Lauren...

BILL COSBY: And to think how back then, you could get a pizzer at the soda shop for 15 cents. And then we would jitterbug and eat saltwater taffy off the floor like we couldn't have the next bazoom or bazaam in the store. Vanessa, you're grounded for going to Baltimore to see The Wretched! GROUNDED! Wait, what was the question?

Chelsea Studios-New York City, New York

("Shout It Out (Dance Remix)" by Nikki Lowe playing in the background)

VOICVER: The boys were on _The Wendy Williams Show _to address their newfound popularity and the negative backlash.

WENDY WILLIAMS: OK, we're here with the five studs from _The Bad Boys Club. _And they want to shed some light on what the Internet show is really about. How was it created?

SPARKY: Well, my good friend Jaylynn suggested it. I was disappointed with _The Bad Girls Club. _I felt like it was just a waste of time and a way to showcase the stereotypes of black people. I mean, there are white people also, but they perpetuate the stereotypes as well. So I thought about creating a satirical parody that achieves the goal of us changing. Because that's what _The Bad Girls Club _should've been about from the start: Emotional growth and maturity. And it's a bum rap how everybody is pointing fingers at us. No, we point the finger right back.

(cheering)

WENDY WILLIAMS: So, the animosity is staged as well?

KG: Yeah, me and Sparky get along just fine off-camera. It's all part of the reality show mindset.

BUSTER: Yeah, I initially didn't want to be a part of it because I felt like our goal was a lost cause. But, it's fun to play the role of a bad sumbitch. I love it.

(laughing and cheering)

WENDY WILLIAMS: How cute. Um, I think RK is pretty upset about something. RK, is everything good?

RK: I don't like you, Wendy. I don't like anything that you have ever done and I pray to God at night that one day, your garbage is exposed for what it is.

(RK walks off)

WENDY WILLIAMS: I guess we all know how RK was doing.

(laughing)

Stamford Media Center-Stamford, Connecticut

VOICEOVER: Although the boys slipped by _The Wendy Williams Show _without any major problems, RK's comments were seen as disrespectful and immature. And _The Steve Wilkos Show _was an entirely different can of worms.

STEVE WILKOS: The fact that you five punks are on my show today gets me upset in ways I can't understand.

(cheering)

STEVE WILKOS: Dirtbags like you don't deserve a chair, get up now. NOW!

(cheering; Jaylynn is busting a gut at home)

RK: Excuse me. Why are we on this show? We have nothing to do with it.

STEVE WILKOS: Yes, you do. The convicts, the child molesters, the drug addicts, the rebellious kids...you're IN that class with them. Understand? (cheering) Now, according to these cards, you five have transcended the Internet with your "critically acclaimed, sarcastic, wickedly funny take on _The Bad Girls Club._" That's what a certain population think. Now, I like it when people have varying degrees of opinion. And in my opinion, you guys aren't doing any good with your show. You're bringing this country down. All of you. (cheering) Just what makes you guys think that you can act like that on the Internet? There are kids your age who look at that stuff and copy what they see. It's disgusting that you guys would allow that garbage. (cheering)

SPARKY: Well, maybe _The Bad Boys Club _isn't for them. You ever thought about that, Steve?

STEVE WILKOS: That's your excuse? That's your freaking excuse? It's not for them? I did think about it. But that's just an excuse. Anybody can refuse responsibility when people are against them. You are no better than those wife-beaters and those drug dealers, those deadbeat parents. How do you live with yourself knowing what you've caused? This is the worst thing that has ever been put on YouTube. The worst thing! (cheering) And I can't believe that you guys haven't learned anything. We're not trying to belittle anybody. Those people in the media have points. It's a danger to our society when that kind of stuff is encouraged and enjoyed.

WADE: That's ignorant as hell, Steve.

STEVE WILKOS: Why do you think it's ignorant? WHY DO YOU THINK IT'S IGNORANT?!

WADE: Because it's a danger when something edgy is appreciated?

STEVE WILKOS: You're twisting my words around?

WADE: No, your words are perfectly clear. Obviously, you don't understand the goal of _The Bad Boys Club._

STEVE WILKOS: There's no goal, you guys are scum. (cheering) And don't tell me otherwise when little kids watch that garbage and think it's cool. It's not cool to act like that, satire or not. You're embarrassing yourselves on YouTube, way to go. (cheering; Jaylynn is in tears laughing)

BUSTER: Your opinion is irrelevant crap.

STEVE WILKOS: Oh, you're going to persecute me for having an opinion? Your parody is trash, you don't get to have an opinion. (cheering)

BUSTER: You're a bitter old turtle-faced asshole who's only claim to fame is being security for Springer. (booing)

STEVE WILKOS: At least I didn't invent a pair of crappy shoes and come up with a crappy satire. Thank you very much. (cheering)

SPARKY: Hey, don't TALK to my best friend like that!

STEVE WILKOS: And don't spit in my face like that!

SPARKY: I'll spit in your pathetic face again, no problem.

STEVE WILKOS: Then spit in my face! SPIT IN MY FACE, YOU (BLEEP) LOWLIFE! SPIT IN MY FACE!

SPARKY: Look, Raphael's getting mad. (The boys and Jaylynn laugh)

STEVE WILKOS: No, put your money where your mouth is and spit in my face, you self-righteous little puke!

SPARKY: Guess I have no choice.

(Sparky spits in Steve's face, and the fight's on; this marks the first time in the history of _The Steve Wilkos Show _that Steve fights one of the guests; security and the boys try to break it up)

Sparky and Jaylynn are watching it on Sparky's DVR back home, and he is far from amused.

JAYLYNN: Sparky, that was funny.

SPARKY: Ugh, this is the worst thing that could've happened. I try to make a parody about _The Bad Girls Club _and everyone hates it. Why do I even try to change things?

JAYLYNN: Dude, you can't win everything. Sometimes, you have to take your best shot and try. Even if you fail, at least you can say you saw it to the end.

SPARKY: Well, I guess I did give it my all. Thanks Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: Any time, buddy.

WERNER: And thus ends yet another chapter in the life of Testicular Sound Express. Sparky MacDougal's attempt at getting the world to see _The Bad Girls Club _for what it really is turned into yet another blemish on the face of society. I guess people will never realize what the show has degenerated into, and that parodies can sometimes be more honest than the source material.

SPARKY: Dude, what the hell are you still doing here?

WERNER: I have two hours left and Wade told me I'm very annoying.

SPARKY: Well, who said I wanted you in my house?

WERNER: Because after Wade kicked me out, I bought a knife and I'm not afraid to use it.

(long pause)

SPARKY: It's creepy how you're looking at the wall when you talk.

SCENE 6

The Ritz Carlton

Interior Ballroom

Los Angeles, California

The boys are on a makeshift stage while the audience (mainly consisting of fans) are sitting down or at the bar located behind them. There is a large LED screen behind the boys and the air is electric.

TANISHA: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Part 1 of the first-ever _Bad Boys Club _reunion, right here on YouTube. I'm your host, Tanisha Thomas! (cheering)

(Wade is pissed off beyond belief)

SPARKY: You should've booked Perez Hilton.

WADE: I know I should've booked Perez (bleep) Hilton.

TANISHA: Now, Buster, you and RK had a problem near the end of the season.

BUSTER: Well, yeah, if you want to call it that. A HUGE problem.

RK: It was nothing, really. But you had to instigate as usual.

TANISHA: Buster, what's the point of instigating?

BUSTER: You're the one who instigated all the time in Season 2!

TANISHA: Now, you can't prove that.

BUSTER: YEAH, I CAN!

(Buster and Tanisha start arguing)

(bored) WADE: Is this the end of _The Bad Boys Club?_

(bored) SPARKY: Yup.

(The "oh-oh-ohhhhh" from the start of the _Big Time Rush _theme song plays as Sparky and Wade sigh in disappointment)

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("Pom Poms" by the Jonas Brothers playing in the end credits)

©2013 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

IN LOVING MEMORY OF PAUL WALKER

SEPTEMBER 12, 1973-NOVEMBER 30, 2013


End file.
